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On A Spring Night: The Feels Train

Here I am, banging on the keyboard at 9 p.m. having just finished a feature article for eSports Inquirer and watching another Counter-Strike: Global Offensive (CS: GO) match here at school, in front of a computer at a nameless lab in one of Turkey’s best universities. I’m about to sign off, but I could not get off the thoughts that I have in my head.

The weather is a bit cool and windy; after all, it is the middle of spring here in Ankara. It is nice to feel that one has accomplished something in a single day.

Be it (celebrating? was that even a celebration? that was something like a rabbit pulled out of the hat!) spending time on someone’s “advanced” birthday (I’ll be honest, I needed to pull off a couple of shenanigans for this one), pulling off a great feature article (finally after freaking weeks of being dry of ideas and penning mediocre write-ups), getting another chance to promote the blog (any views are welcome and much appreciated!), just having a better bill of health (seems one week’s the charm, I guess), I believe that I have done so much today that I have absolutely no idea on what I should say about these turn of events, but it seems that I am still feeling dizzy from the number of stuff that have happened all in a single day.

I am thankful that they are all good surprises, even though it involved acting like a madman for a good part of the day. I am still having a hard time fathoming the fact that I was able to survive a sudden shift of gear (it was not easy); the morning actually started really passively as I just wanted to take it slow and easy!

I guess I should just get a bar of chocolate, a bottle of iced tea, sit back and relax, while I let myself a little smile for all of today’s events* :)

*Even though I know very well that it will be very hard to shut down my fired-up nerves :D

The Cat in The Sidewalk

It is a sunny day and the sky is shining brightly; the air is warm despite the fact that it is the beginning of December and it is supposed to be freezing cold. As he walks to his class, Dennis recollects the horrible things that have happened to him yesterday: In the morning, he got a very good amount of flak from all three of his editors at the magazine that he is working. Then in the afternoon, his professor gave him a lot of hell before he entered the classroom for one of his Maths classes. Finally, he got a case of a broken heart when he learned that his crush had someone else, and tears almost flowing down his face.

He is just another young adult with nothing else to do, so he decided to do the usual “solution” to his problems: Go to the computer café, surf on the Web, insert his headset into the audio jack and watch livestreams of his favorite eSports players. After spending two hours, he went to the general store, bought himself a bag of nacho-flavored chips as well as a liter of apple juice; then he went home, locked himself inside the room and played games on his tablet as well as listen to “epic music” on full volume.

This all happened yesterday, when he felt lost and depressed. However, now that his mind is much clearer, Dennis wondered whether what he did was the right thing to do or not. He knows that he should adopt a much more sustainable way of life if he is to become a much better person.

He continues on to class with a very cloudy state of mind. He feels as if his soul is just about to be ripped from his body; he just wanted to finish his day and get lost again, somewhere in another world where he wins everything.

Then he saw a cat. He wanted to kick the animal out of the way; after all, nothing just went his way, so he might just as well vent his frustration on that enigmatic creature. Well, animals are just plain creatures who just walk the face of the earth, no?

In the corner of his mind, he kicked the cat, releasing a surge of adrenaline, making him feel as if he’s the king of this world. He went on and it is obvious that the cat is already frightened; he just goes on as if he’s a barbarian berserker. Surely it felt so exhilarating and satisfying…After all, that’s one hell of a way to enjoy one’s time!

Then he snaps back towards the real world: No matter how tempted he is to show that episode to the cat, his heart can’t just bear it. He then decides not to hurt the animal. He opened his bag, grabbed a muffin that he has been keeping since the morning and he gave half of it to the cat. The animal ate it happily and afterwards Dennis ate the remaining half.

He can see the faculty building from a distance and he just approached it with an improved mood. Then he saw his friends and somehow he felt at ease. His conscience felt a bliss that came from nowhere; he can’t describe that feeling because it felt so alien and surreal.

He saw Andreas and Finn at the canteen and he waved his hands at them. Ned asked, “Are you okay now? You looked so depressed yesterday.” Then Dennis smiled at him and laughed; he understood that he is in his “usual high spirits.” Afterwards, he went on to talk with Frank about the latest movies showing at the box office and then the three of them slowly walk towards class.

He wonders what could have happened if he kicked the cat. Maybe he would not have that peace of mind that he is experiencing right now…Maybe…maybe…

This is how it looks like on a good spring day.

Spring Line

Today is a very bright day. The sun is up there like a lamp, providing brightness to everything it touches. The trees start to slowly gain their greens up and the air fluctuates between being icy and cool. It is a typical spring day here in Ankara and as usual, I get hit by the flu hammer once again. I sneeze every now and then, and I am also forced to close my eyes as my sinus complains; it comes to the point that tears just come out of my eyes!

I was never a big fan of spring, especially the weather portion of it, because I never get to wear properly. Besides, even though I try to take lots of precautions, I still end up being sick every freaking spring season!

Nevertheless, as far as nature is concerned, I feel pretty much hyped. It is great to hear the birds chirp in the wee hours of the morning, to see the flocks fly as the sun sets and to see the flowers blossom under the sunlight. Besides, having bright skies is a great bonus to have, though to be honest, I never venture too much outside unless I need to do so.

There are also moments when the spring weather seems to be a large lie as it could snow like hell any day in March! Another way to put is that it can be as pleasant as musk or as stinky as sewage…

The reason that I wanted to write about this thing is that this will be the last spring that I will spend here in Turkey; I am very well aware that I must make the most out of it, though I have no freaking idea how to spend it (this is basically the year that I broke out of my shell, so yeah.)

Maybe I should just go YOLO and travel like a nomad, I guess?

Speaking of final moments, I’ve had a weird conversation with one of my friends yesterday.

“Hey Earl!”

“Yeah?”

“How’s everything? It’s been a long time.”

“I’m fine, thanks. You?”

“Everything’s the same you know. Look, did you know that I saw you in a dream?”

“What the heck are you talking about?”

“You were in a completely different place, sitting comfortably at the back of a huge lecture hall.”

Then she went on to say:

“I hope you are saying your farewells. You might never see this country again (obviously referring to the dream)…and good luck with your life, seems you have become much happier there!”

We said our goodbyes to each other and I thought to myself, So I appear inside people’s heads at night? Whew.

To be frank, I’m ready for whatever life throws in my way. I am pretty sure that this time around, I will be able to work out something different!

Spring is a beautiful moment for many people…while at the same time reminding that life is not the straight line that we want it to be. End of the line is that spring is a better season than winter and that it heralds the coming of summer, which is my favorite season of the year anyway.

Well, after hearing that story, I realized that I may not be able to see this place once again; but at the same time, I’m happy because I will get my eternal summer once again.

Today is a good day to walk, so I guess I’ll just grab a Mogu-Mogu somewhere along the way….

Sun, clouds, life.

And life is certainly a thing of beauty.

*Immortals by Fall Out Boy is certainly a beautiful song that expresses my feelings at the moment. I can easily see that I’m counting my days here and I am trying to be able to do something substantial about it!

Living A Life

It is a beautiful spring day here in Ankara, trying to convince myself that my sleep problems are just as they are and that I do not need to think of Prozac or that it is due to something else…all the while lending one ear to the professor’s lecture at hand. It seems that 2015 is not just the year of the hype train for me; it turns out that my inner thoughts and feelings have increased in intensity as well.

After years of soul searching and trying my hand at different things, getting mixed results along the way, I realized that contentment does not come with having everything that I want in life. I think now that one becomes more content when there are people with whom one can share the moments that matter to one’s life or when one has a strong, jagged and happy heart.

It is true that material things are prevalent nowadays. But this does not mean that they are a one-way ticket to happiness and contentment. I know that they should not be the final aim, but apparently, some people are putting a premium on such things as fame, fortune and glory. If only these people realize that there are other things beyond that…

You will know that you are content when you feel good from even what seem to be the small things in life…and when you feel happy for even the tiniest positive moments that happen to the people around you.

To be honest, personally speaking, it is not easy to be content especially if one has to deal with the inner demons that try to turn everything into a sort of double-edged sword. Believe me when I say that it is not easy to get to know this feeling.

If nothing else, one should just try to be on the path to be content. After all, we all know that the path towards that place is just as important as the goal itself…

If only people knew contentment, then I guess we might all have happier lives.

A Lost Miracle: On Elegy

So I got my hands into a rather critically acclaimed writing game called “Elegy For A Dead World” and a few days ago, I was able to complete my first story, entitled “A Lost Miracle”. It is the history of a civilization wiped out by no other than climate change! Hope you enjoy!

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Maybe more stories to come? Or maybe even a coffee table book!

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One Last Time

The sun is shining brightly despite the fact that winter is still raging in its full form and as a matter of fact, the weather is warm and comfortable to the point that it is possible to go out into the open with only a thin jacket and a T-shirt underneath. Apparently, it ain’t gonna last for long…

Istanbul is a vast city, one full of history and narratives. I have come here to do another part of my personal history, which is called WinterCon (I remember myself coming up with that notorious nickname, which reminds people of ComicCon). Well, it is basically a time when people gather to recollect certain things and to spend moments with each other. These gatherings have been a source of a good number of memories and I earnestly hope that I & my friends would be able to end this one with a bang.

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The multitude of expressions.

 

I know that it really sounds very phony to the ears, but I think that I will cherish these final moments here in Turkey with my friends. I don’t think that I’ll exchange it for a lot of things in life. There were lots of hiccups along the way, some of them were annoying to deal with (and I’ll be honest, I don’t want to deal with them – a sort of hands-off policy on things, I guess).

Going to the reality of the things that are happening right now, I think that it is an understatement to say that it is a blessing to see your friends. I’m not the “social” or “friends” person as people call it; if I can do things alone, I tend to do them by myself – but at the same time, that kind of thing is a double-edged sword which can eat away at your soul.

It is really a thing of beauty to be able to spend a bit of time with the people you cherish, even though you are at a loss at what exactly they are doing. Sometimes, things are just better when it is done with the people that you consider as friends or brothers-in-arms and that in itself is a very huge thing in this world today, where many suffer from disconnection and whatnot.

As far as I am concerned, I’ll be frank: I enjoyed the last 4-5 days of the activities in which I get to finally do something with my own hands and get my itching fingers on the keyboard! I’ll just say one thing to those who were shocked at the way that I played computer games: Don’t wake up the monster, guys?

Jokes aside, I enjoyed my time walking along Kadikoy and Üsküdar; believe me, it was a welcome break from the rather classical and tourist trap-heavy peninsula on the other side of the Bosphorus. It was also a very good Friday and I was basically hyped throughout the duration of the trip despite the fact that it was one long tour.

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Okay, okay, calm down!

 

Surely enough, I ended up being so tired that I did not want to walk anymore in the evening, but every drop of sweat was worth the sightseeing.

Although there were certain people that I wanted to see, things dictated that it would not happen – Regardless of their reasons or excuses (depending on whose perspective it is), everyone knows that being bonded and united for a short while is worth a lot of things combined.

I am very well aware that nothing lasts forever in this world but I do hope that this thing goes on for as long as humanly possible. Much good has come out of this thing anyway, so why not continue it?

I don’t know exactly whether it is correct to use the word “immortalize” for this one, but those pictures and videos do serve as a stamp that memories last a lifetime.

All good things come to an end, but I am not sad because they are over. Instead, I am happy because this thing has happened, that I got the chance to see the people that I cherish.

I am happy that I was able to witness this thing as much as I can.

Well, it is nice to live if moments like this happen and most certainly, it is a lovely thing to have people around you…especially the ones whom you share a connection with.

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Nice season boys.

 

And it is a nice one last winter season.

Sorry Bro

Cebeci, Ankara

March 1, 2015

Well, I know that I owe an apology to everything in this room.

I am very well aware that you have been wronged and I believe that you all deserve my most sincere apologies even though some of you should have just went to the trash bin. I really want to apologize to my cabinet for keeping its occupants in a very messy way and I know that you were troubled every bit by my laziness and you may have seen that I have started arranging my things. You deserved a better life than this, after all, you have an elegant life and you are the very thing that keeps my skeletons away from the eyes of the people…

You have a very stately appearance and I am really amazed at the stoic attitude that you show towards this world. I would like to thank you for all the things that you have done and I am really grateful for your loyalty and understanding. I am wishing you a much longer life and I want to tell you that I will do my best in order to honor your loyalty by making your life much more easy. I will do my best in order to keep the cabinet in order and I will do my best to check your life every now and then. At the end of the day, I guess that this is the apology that I want to address to you, and I do not expect that you will accept me.

However, I just wanted to tell you what I feel and I hope that we would be good friends from now on.

Thank you for your time and patience…

Best,

Earl

Seeing Deeply

Now that you have seen it, you will do your best to avoid it. Sanity demands that you do it, because there may be no more “next time” to do it.

You may never know what you have until you’ve lost it. You might never know that you are falling until you see it. You may never know what you need until you crave for it. You might never know that you are cracking until you show it.

Dissipation is never something crystal clear, it comes in whispers and never in shouts. Now that I know how it is to fall down, I will never joke around about going down.

Rest assured that this will not be the last, because wielding a pen makes it last. Keeping sanity is hard to do as such, when everything around you is going crazy as such.

I need lots of armor more than ever, because I know that chaos will never, ever lead to order.

It is hard not to see things when you’ve been given a soul that feels a lot. It is hard not to feel things when your eyes can see a lot of things. Most especially, it is hard to make a disconnect with the world when you know that there are things that matter in this planet.

Change is great if done right. Now I understand why there are certain people who bloom even in the darkest hours of this so-called life.

Because they understand that this world is not everything.

Or at the very least, they understand that they can at least imagine the unimaginable and often believe themselves (and/or prove to the world that they are) capable of turning the impossible into the reality that they want.

Let’s just hope that it is a good and sustainable reality, no?

Some Mumblings

Here are some things that have registered in my mind since the beginning of this year:

1. Check your intentions before you do something. Is it really to further that purpose? Or are there any other interests that come with it?

2. When you do good, never expect anything in return. When you do bad, expect everything in return.

3. Don’t keep on trolling around. Don’t give people headaches. Learn when to stop.

4. Do your best to be sincere. Make your insides clean.

5. Know that even if your friends will do their best to understand you, there are always things that are better kept to one’s self.

6. Life has been built to be unfair and bitter (in the layman’s eye). If you think that there can be a better world, a better reality, don’t give up!

7. Do the best in any job that you do. Do not wait for claps and praise. Do it for lofty purposes!

8. Failure is not the end of the line. Maybe there’s a need for that fall (or those falls, for that matter) to make the podium or the endgame much more sweeter.

9. Be good, even if it is really hard to do so. Being kind in a world full of indifference and passive-aggressiveness makes a huge difference. Try to see people as they are.

10. Learn to forgive, learn to accommodate and learn to live your life! Change if you really believe that things will be made better, but if not, then no need man!

SPECIAL MENTION: Don’t push the envelope too much. Some things are just not meant for you. There’s a time for everything!

So, well, here’s another one of my clipboard modes!!!

HF HF!

Year Goals

After days of reflection and retrospect, I realized that I should do some things to incrementally improve myself. I don’t exactly plan to be able to do all of these things at once, but I hope that I can get one or two of them done at the end of the year.

Well, I sincerely hope that I will be able to walk the talk!

1. Be more patient: Apparently, there are times that I just go the YOLO way. It works wonderfully at times, but when it fails, it is more than enough to floor me down. Then of course, when I’m impatient, I don’t think things through…and well, as I mentioned, some of the results were pretty catastrophic!

I don’t know if I would ever be a patient person (people tell me that I’m patient, but not really…)

2. Be more calm and collected: I know that hype and activity are the things that define me, but it is sometimes a liability whenever I need to focus solely on one thing under normal circumstances. Being a scatterbrain and all, I really think that I should be calm…in fact, one of my friends (who is also a teammate at the same time), told me that I could easily lead the team through hell if I were calm enough…so that I can size up the situation and make the right calls.

3. Read more: If I will be able to read 50 books within a year’s time, I’ll reward myself with a small gift. If I will be able to read 100 books, then well, I should go somewhere? Hahaha. Let us see. I have seemed to write too much last year and read a lot less…Sure, it is still decent, but I must do things differently this year.

And yes, I am still looking for a writing club. Sad life, isn’t it?

4. Complete that portfolio before April: As far as I am concerned, I still need to get some 15 pages of good fiction up; that’s basically one of the few ways that I will be able to land a Master’s Degree in Creative Writing somewhere! I need to do something…and I know that it is all up to me! Sure, there are lots of paperwork both in and out of the school (well, as if school is still in the front seat, when in fact it is not), but still I believe that I should be able to get inspired for a few days and complete some fiction!

Honorable mention: Self-pride: This is not exactly a problem, mainly because I do my utmost best to be humble and to accomodate to other people’s needs/compromise some of my demands. But once that monster comes in, well, I basically become a different person who never knows how to back down! I know that I have some use for this trait elsewhere, so I must know how to channel it into the right direction!

I know that this will be the final semester of my college life. I know that I can easily land a job somewhere, but I reasonably believe that I still need to do my best in order to improve myself, in and out!

Well…good luck!