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Opinions and Thoughts

As of today, I have crossed another line off the list of the things that I am supposed to do here in the city of Ankara. I have visited the mausoleum of the country’s national hero, Mustafa Kemal Ataturk.

I must say that the architecture was colossal and wonderful. I also liked the fact that there was a garden around the complex and believe me, it was extremely refreshing.

It was a good visit. Yeah, it was great to see another one of Turkey’s iconic monuments and get something off it!


Once upon a time, one of my editors told me that being bad is better than being good in some ways.

When you are bad, you have at least two options:

1. Since you are bad, you don’t need to try anymore and you don’t need to waste your time trying that certain field in which you suck.

2. Being bad leaves only with one road to being better: Since you don’t have the talent, you’ll reach that maximum ceiling pretty soon. At least you know that is your maximum level!

But then you know you are good and in fact you are better than a lot of the guys out there…and then you choke at the vital moment? That is just horrifying and head-wrecking to watch!

I wonder how those guys at the booth feel after being unable to deliver (I’m referring to a North American Counter-Strike team called Cloud 9).

Why can’t you keep the advantage, boys?

Then again, you are fighting against the best team in the world at that game.

But still, just make it 3-2 at the worst – and don’t lose in that fashion again!

Having a very good advantage and just unable to close it out is just outright ridiculous.


Sometimes, I really wonder if I can take a break from writing in general. I do not have a writer’s block or something, but I feel that I am just going mechanical – though I am still writing with all of my heart.

Then again, writing is one of those few fallbacks that I have when I face a lot of frustrations in life.

Nice catch-22 to think on, I guess.


Tomorrow, I am planning to go to a museum. But then, maybe I’ll not have the time for it.

Then, sometimes, I am getting tired of doing things solo.


Consistency was never a part of my life. Like I’m always aboard on a hype train where I feel the greatest highs and the worst lows at different points of the year.

I got my new highs and new lows too. I just said quite some time ago that 2015 is my year and it turns out to be quite true in unexpected ways.

Then again, I’d like some consistency and static in my life right now.

I’d like a strong foundation to build the rest of my life on, because talent – and talent alone will not help me do much.


One of the best ways to start being consistent would be my writeups and my newspaper work in general, because here is what another one of my editors said:

“You look like a Mozart in which you write based on what you feel. You write differently each week and you experiment with new stuff every now and then. I don’t say that is bad and I see very huge things coming for you.”

In the same vein, he said:

“Learn how to be consistent. Look at your best articles. See what worked. It is the same with games; once you get tired of that same strategy, then go for the next one!”

Then he also mentioned something of note:

“Clear your heart.”

I’ll do whatever I can!


Sometimes, I am tempted to say that life is just a lie.

But then, that’s just being ingrate and stupid.

It is too tiring to hope at times. Try it.


Nothing in life comes easy. But then, the greatest things in life started at a dim point, no?

Well, I just hope that it will be worth the headaches now.

Time To Create A New World

By the end of tomorrow, June 28, 2015, I would have graduated from Middle East Technical University and I would have moved on to the so-called “real world”. I would start my work as a teacher at a Turkish charter school in the Philippines, while at the same time working as a electronic sports journalist at one of the country’s largest periodic publications. I wonder if I really spent my four years of university in a meaningful and productive way.

Did I leave a lot of good memories? I hope that I did so. As for the bad ones, I wish that I did not do them. I am aware that I will be leaving a lot of baggage behind, both literally and figuratively. Will I be able to carry them all? Absolutely not. Will I be able to to bring the ones that matter? I am not sure if I can even do just that.

Will I be the same person that I was during college? I do not really know if I can say that in a confident manner. Will I turn into a person that is unrecognizable by the people around me? I hope that I would not become that guy, but believe me, sometimes, one part of me just wants to shed it all and undergo into a metamorphosis, into a place where there is no return. Another part of me wants to make me stay the way that I am and I should say that I am at a crossroads at the moment when it comes to defining myself.

I know that my choice will affect me and shape me for the rest of my life.

I just hope that I make the right choice.

……….

Sometimes, I keep coming back towards the recesses of my mind and ask the “ifs” that are inside it.

Maybe I have missed an opportunity or two, messed a momen or two, or I just got smacked by time and reality in the face.

There are times that I try to think of all the possibilities and all the things that I could have done.

But then, I don’t regret any of the choices that I made.

……….

For now, I just want to enjoy my graduation ceremony and play as many games as I can – in fact, I do not even want to write something serious for now. I want to get lost in places, to get lost in time, to get lost in space.

Because I have no idea when will I have that kind of time again – a time where I am never restricted by stress and by insomnia.

……….

It is time to create a new world under a different sky.

Or at least, a better version of reality where there is a bit of kindness left and results are shown at the time that is needed.

……….

This time around, I will play to win.

I will make sure that I get the results that I want.

If I will bend worlds to do it, then so be it.

There is no turning me back because I have nothing to lose and the sky is the freaking limit anyway.

I have just one way to put it: EASY PEEZY LEMON SQUEEZY!!!

……….

A Beautiful Life

Sometimes, I really wonder why am I still trying to smile.

Sometimes, I don’t want to be that hyped person anymore.

Sometimes, I just want to smile silently, lurk in a corner and go on with my business.

But then, it’s a beautiful life!

So everything is good and wish good :)

Beauty Of Life

You will never know the real beauty of life until you’ve experienced the worst blows that it can throw at you. You will never appreciate what it means to be yourself until you start to become lost in the abyss of the things that are happening around you.

You will never know how lucky it is for you to have a conscience until you see how those who don’t have it fall six feet down the ground. You will never know how lucky it is for you to live until you go to the grave to answer all of the things that you have done in this life.

You will never know how nice it is to be young, to be able to do all what you want, to be able to pursue your dreams and to be able to put another layer of effort until you get old. Pretty damning, ain’t it?

Sometimes, life is really hard. It is so suffocating that it does not even allow you to take a breather.

But most of the time, it is so beautiful that you may wonder if it is still possible to call it as “life”; it may even seem to be a dream!

At the end of the day, it all only matters if one can put meaning and purpose behind it.


So finally, I will be able to graduate without having to worry about makeup exams or summer school!

Yay! I guess what I should worry about now is the fact that I will soon teach English to the guys who may be better than me – and how will I inspire them to learn better overall.

For now, it’s all about shooting paintballs, visiting museums, writing stuff and just going around before the holy month of Ramadan begins a few days later.

Until then, it’s all about being young!

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A Walk In April Spring: Retrospect

Music track: Radiohead – Idioteque
Food: All sorts of stuff, currently drinking iced tea and a chocolate bar that I did not eat yesterday.
Weather: Typical spring, whatever.

Well, apparently, the weather outside is amazing, with lush trees fully clothed in their greens and blooms as well as the light spring breeze cooling off heads. Coupled with a crystal-blue sky, it looks as if it beckons everyone to break the sky.

Within the space of five months and six days, I broke the sky. In fact, I’ve just finished my book (or at least, a workable draft of it which does not a lot of unwieldy grammar, I hope) yesterday, May 5, 2015. It seems that a breakthrough in my writing life is accompanied by an easily memorized date (first was 9/9/13, now it is 5/5/15). Looking back, it has been twenty months between these two dates!

If anyone has looked at the title, I’d bet you wondered why it is still a walk in “April Spring” when the date clearly states that it is already May 6, 2015 (or May 5, depending on which part of the planet you are living, anyway.)

I’ll be honest, I am currently extremely dumbfounded at the way things have unfolded around me, as well as certain facts that I need to digest. Leaving Turkey is the easiest part of it actually – not to mention that one week, you could be up there breaking the limits that the sky imposes…and fall extremely hard the following week! Life is never perfect and that is a fact, but hey, that kind of ride is as bumpy as hell!

Take today as an example: Besides this blog post, I have just written two or three articles for eSports Inquirer (and this does not include the crazy stuff that I write in my notebook, which ranges from the murkily dark to the extremely out-of-this-world…things.) And I’m doing all of these while at school (and on top of that, after just finishing a long, long text!)

The thing is, well, there is no throwing the towel now, because I can’t afford not to see my aspirations come to light. I am no stranger to strange territory, mass rejection and endless apathy – hell, I got all of them at one point in my life altogether, so I feel that I can withstand whatever setbacks and obstacles that may come my way this time around.

I really hope that I can do this, because right now, even though it may seem not too obvious to me, I feel that I have just stepped on another frontier.

It is not about winning per se (that is what sociopaths do anyway, as stated in “The Sociopath Next Door”); I’d like to believe it is about the things that I might learn along the way.

Damn, I just hope that I can hold on to my sanity as the bullet train goes full speed…and get my repairs ready when I derail along the way!


Spring seems to be a lie at times. The day that you expect awesome weather is actually laden with hail, snow and torrents at times.

But that is the nature of spring, I guess, hiding its wonderful colors under a gray-and-white blanket.

Then, summer maybe?

And summer is always great to have as an ally on one’s arsenal of tricks.

Spring is beautiful. But I want to see summer more because it is endless sun and light.

Because I am pretty sure that summer represents the zenith of everything.


 

I guess I just have to be patient and to deal with whatever twists life has to offer..and to make the best out of the time that remains for me here in this land some 16,000 kilometers away.

Maybe it is the end of a song that I wish that will never end.

But maybe it is also the start of another, better one.

Yeah, that is what I hope for.

And to answer the question why it is still an “April Spring”:

I am trapped in time at the moment. That is how it feels right now.

Welcome to real life, I guess!


 

The weather now does not burn my eyes or freeze my soul, unlike the past two days.

Maybe it is a sign of good things to come.

Yeah, summer appears after spring…

A great summer.

I guess I’ll just have to believe in it and work!

Let Swords Burn

One day, there will be someone who will carry hard like a boss, who will dance with me under the moonlit sky, who will be strong enough to fight through everything that life may throw.

I will do my best not to let go, to do all sorts of things, to be the rock and not the tinder that might burn whatever stories that we might create together.

Yet that day seems to be so far away…

I’ll keep on believing, even if this aspect of my life seems to be in a dark, murky tunnel without the end in sight.

I’m willing to trade my time and endure pain for that one person.

And I will not be a meek person who will just wait for the apple to fall on my head. I’ll turn rocks and stones if I need to, like a man is supposed to do.

And I’ll burn swords if I need to do it.

If that is the only way to reach the grail, then so be it. Let the chips fall where they are supposed to fall.

***

Life may seem to be unpleasant at times, to the point that a person does not want to face it anymore.

Someone may just throw unkind words at you for no apparent reason whatsoever or you may just be dismissed as a nobody, someone not even worth the time spent.

The easiest option is always to throw the towel.

Sorry, I am not taking the easy way out.

If I get it bad, let it be in my own terms.

Let it be in a blaze of fire and smite.

I am not backing out on life. Never.

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On A Spring Night: The Feels Train

Here I am, banging on the keyboard at 9 p.m. having just finished a feature article for eSports Inquirer and watching another Counter-Strike: Global Offensive (CS: GO) match here at school, in front of a computer at a nameless lab in one of Turkey’s best universities. I’m about to sign off, but I could not get off the thoughts that I have in my head.

The weather is a bit cool and windy; after all, it is the middle of spring here in Ankara. It is nice to feel that one has accomplished something in a single day.

Be it (celebrating? was that even a celebration? that was something like a rabbit pulled out of the hat!) spending time on someone’s “advanced” birthday (I’ll be honest, I needed to pull off a couple of shenanigans for this one), pulling off a great feature article (finally after freaking weeks of being dry of ideas and penning mediocre write-ups), getting another chance to promote the blog (any views are welcome and much appreciated!), just having a better bill of health (seems one week’s the charm, I guess), I believe that I have done so much today that I have absolutely no idea on what I should say about these turn of events, but it seems that I am still feeling dizzy from the number of stuff that have happened all in a single day.

I am thankful that they are all good surprises, even though it involved acting like a madman for a good part of the day. I am still having a hard time fathoming the fact that I was able to survive a sudden shift of gear (it was not easy); the morning actually started really passively as I just wanted to take it slow and easy!

I guess I should just get a bar of chocolate, a bottle of iced tea, sit back and relax, while I let myself a little smile for all of today’s events* :)

*Even though I know very well that it will be very hard to shut down my fired-up nerves :D

The Cat in The Sidewalk

It is a sunny day and the sky is shining brightly; the air is warm despite the fact that it is the beginning of December and it is supposed to be freezing cold. As he walks to his class, Dennis recollects the horrible things that have happened to him yesterday: In the morning, he got a very good amount of flak from all three of his editors at the magazine that he is working. Then in the afternoon, his professor gave him a lot of hell before he entered the classroom for one of his Maths classes. Finally, he got a case of a broken heart when he learned that his crush had someone else, and tears almost flowing down his face.

He is just another young adult with nothing else to do, so he decided to do the usual “solution” to his problems: Go to the computer café, surf on the Web, insert his headset into the audio jack and watch livestreams of his favorite eSports players. After spending two hours, he went to the general store, bought himself a bag of nacho-flavored chips as well as a liter of apple juice; then he went home, locked himself inside the room and played games on his tablet as well as listen to “epic music” on full volume.

This all happened yesterday, when he felt lost and depressed. However, now that his mind is much clearer, Dennis wondered whether what he did was the right thing to do or not. He knows that he should adopt a much more sustainable way of life if he is to become a much better person.

He continues on to class with a very cloudy state of mind. He feels as if his soul is just about to be ripped from his body; he just wanted to finish his day and get lost again, somewhere in another world where he wins everything.

Then he saw a cat. He wanted to kick the animal out of the way; after all, nothing just went his way, so he might just as well vent his frustration on that enigmatic creature. Well, animals are just plain creatures who just walk the face of the earth, no?

In the corner of his mind, he kicked the cat, releasing a surge of adrenaline, making him feel as if he’s the king of this world. He went on and it is obvious that the cat is already frightened; he just goes on as if he’s a barbarian berserker. Surely it felt so exhilarating and satisfying…After all, that’s one hell of a way to enjoy one’s time!

Then he snaps back towards the real world: No matter how tempted he is to show that episode to the cat, his heart can’t just bear it. He then decides not to hurt the animal. He opened his bag, grabbed a muffin that he has been keeping since the morning and he gave half of it to the cat. The animal ate it happily and afterwards Dennis ate the remaining half.

He can see the faculty building from a distance and he just approached it with an improved mood. Then he saw his friends and somehow he felt at ease. His conscience felt a bliss that came from nowhere; he can’t describe that feeling because it felt so alien and surreal.

He saw Andreas and Finn at the canteen and he waved his hands at them. Ned asked, “Are you okay now? You looked so depressed yesterday.” Then Dennis smiled at him and laughed; he understood that he is in his “usual high spirits.” Afterwards, he went on to talk with Frank about the latest movies showing at the box office and then the three of them slowly walk towards class.

He wonders what could have happened if he kicked the cat. Maybe he would not have that peace of mind that he is experiencing right now…Maybe…maybe…

This is how it looks like on a good spring day.

Spring Line

Today is a very bright day. The sun is up there like a lamp, providing brightness to everything it touches. The trees start to slowly gain their greens up and the air fluctuates between being icy and cool. It is a typical spring day here in Ankara and as usual, I get hit by the flu hammer once again. I sneeze every now and then, and I am also forced to close my eyes as my sinus complains; it comes to the point that tears just come out of my eyes!

I was never a big fan of spring, especially the weather portion of it, because I never get to wear properly. Besides, even though I try to take lots of precautions, I still end up being sick every freaking spring season!

Nevertheless, as far as nature is concerned, I feel pretty much hyped. It is great to hear the birds chirp in the wee hours of the morning, to see the flocks fly as the sun sets and to see the flowers blossom under the sunlight. Besides, having bright skies is a great bonus to have, though to be honest, I never venture too much outside unless I need to do so.

There are also moments when the spring weather seems to be a large lie as it could snow like hell any day in March! Another way to put is that it can be as pleasant as musk or as stinky as sewage…

The reason that I wanted to write about this thing is that this will be the last spring that I will spend here in Turkey; I am very well aware that I must make the most out of it, though I have no freaking idea how to spend it (this is basically the year that I broke out of my shell, so yeah.)

Maybe I should just go YOLO and travel like a nomad, I guess?

Speaking of final moments, I’ve had a weird conversation with one of my friends yesterday.

“Hey Earl!”

“Yeah?”

“How’s everything? It’s been a long time.”

“I’m fine, thanks. You?”

“Everything’s the same you know. Look, did you know that I saw you in a dream?”

“What the heck are you talking about?”

“You were in a completely different place, sitting comfortably at the back of a huge lecture hall.”

Then she went on to say:

“I hope you are saying your farewells. You might never see this country again (obviously referring to the dream)…and good luck with your life, seems you have become much happier there!”

We said our goodbyes to each other and I thought to myself, So I appear inside people’s heads at night? Whew.

To be frank, I’m ready for whatever life throws in my way. I am pretty sure that this time around, I will be able to work out something different!

Spring is a beautiful moment for many people…while at the same time reminding that life is not the straight line that we want it to be. End of the line is that spring is a better season than winter and that it heralds the coming of summer, which is my favorite season of the year anyway.

Well, after hearing that story, I realized that I may not be able to see this place once again; but at the same time, I’m happy because I will get my eternal summer once again.

Today is a good day to walk, so I guess I’ll just grab a Mogu-Mogu somewhere along the way….

Sun, clouds, life.

And life is certainly a thing of beauty.

*Immortals by Fall Out Boy is certainly a beautiful song that expresses my feelings at the moment. I can easily see that I’m counting my days here and I am trying to be able to do something substantial about it!

Living A Life

It is a beautiful spring day here in Ankara, trying to convince myself that my sleep problems are just as they are and that I do not need to think of Prozac or that it is due to something else…all the while lending one ear to the professor’s lecture at hand. It seems that 2015 is not just the year of the hype train for me; it turns out that my inner thoughts and feelings have increased in intensity as well.

After years of soul searching and trying my hand at different things, getting mixed results along the way, I realized that contentment does not come with having everything that I want in life. I think now that one becomes more content when there are people with whom one can share the moments that matter to one’s life or when one has a strong, jagged and happy heart.

It is true that material things are prevalent nowadays. But this does not mean that they are a one-way ticket to happiness and contentment. I know that they should not be the final aim, but apparently, some people are putting a premium on such things as fame, fortune and glory. If only these people realize that there are other things beyond that…

You will know that you are content when you feel good from even what seem to be the small things in life…and when you feel happy for even the tiniest positive moments that happen to the people around you.

To be honest, personally speaking, it is not easy to be content especially if one has to deal with the inner demons that try to turn everything into a sort of double-edged sword. Believe me when I say that it is not easy to get to know this feeling.

If nothing else, one should just try to be on the path to be content. After all, we all know that the path towards that place is just as important as the goal itself…

If only people knew contentment, then I guess we might all have happier lives.