Sorry Bro

Cebeci, Ankara

March 1, 2015

Well, I know that I owe an apology to everything in this room.

I am very well aware that you have been wronged and I believe that you all deserve my most sincere apologies even though some of you should have just went to the trash bin. I really want to apologize to my cabinet for keeping its occupants in a very messy way and I know that you were troubled every bit by my laziness and you may have seen that I have started arranging my things. You deserved a better life than this, after all, you have an elegant life and you are the very thing that keeps my skeletons away from the eyes of the people…

You have a very stately appearance and I am really amazed at the stoic attitude that you show towards this world. I would like to thank you for all the things that you have done and I am really grateful for your loyalty and understanding. I am wishing you a much longer life and I want to tell you that I will do my best in order to honor your loyalty by making your life much more easy. I will do my best in order to keep the cabinet in order and I will do my best to check your life every now and then. At the end of the day, I guess that this is the apology that I want to address to you, and I do not expect that you will accept me.

However, I just wanted to tell you what I feel and I hope that we would be good friends from now on.

Thank you for your time and patience…

Best,

Earl

Seeing Deeply

Now that you have seen it, you will do your best to avoid it. Sanity demands that you do it, because there may be no more “next time” to do it.

You may never know what you have until you’ve lost it. You might never know that you are falling until you see it. You may never know what you need until you crave for it. You might never know that you are cracking until you show it.

Dissipation is never something crystal clear, it comes in whispers and never in shouts. Now that I know how it is to fall down, I will never joke around about going down.

Rest assured that this will not be the last, because wielding a pen makes it last. Keeping sanity is hard to do as such, when everything around you is going crazy as such.

I need lots of armor more than ever, because I know that chaos will never, ever lead to order.

It is hard not to see things when you’ve been given a soul that feels a lot. It is hard not to feel things when your eyes can see a lot of things. Most especially, it is hard to make a disconnect with the world when you know that there are things that matter in this planet.

Change is great if done right. Now I understand why there are certain people who bloom even in the darkest hours of this so-called life.

Because they understand that this world is not everything.

Or at the very least, they understand that they can at least imagine the unimaginable and often believe themselves (and/or prove to the world that they are) capable of turning the impossible into the reality that they want.

Let’s just hope that it is a good and sustainable reality, no?

Some Mumblings

Here are some things that have registered in my mind since the beginning of this year:

1. Check your intentions before you do something. Is it really to further that purpose? Or are there any other interests that come with it?

2. When you do good, never expect anything in return. When you do bad, expect everything in return.

3. Don’t keep on trolling around. Don’t give people headaches. Learn when to stop.

4. Do your best to be sincere. Make your insides clean.

5. Know that even if your friends will do their best to understand you, there are always things that are better kept to one’s self.

6. Life has been built to be unfair and bitter (in the layman’s eye). If you think that there can be a better world, a better reality, don’t give up!

7. Do the best in any job that you do. Do not wait for claps and praise. Do it for lofty purposes!

8. Failure is not the end of the line. Maybe there’s a need for that fall (or those falls, for that matter) to make the podium or the endgame much more sweeter.

9. Be good, even if it is really hard to do so. Being kind in a world full of indifference and passive-aggressiveness makes a huge difference. Try to see people as they are.

10. Learn to forgive, learn to accommodate and learn to live your life! Change if you really believe that things will be made better, but if not, then no need man!

SPECIAL MENTION: Don’t push the envelope too much. Some things are just not meant for you. There’s a time for everything!

So, well, here’s another one of my clipboard modes!!!

HF HF!

Year Goals

After days of reflection and retrospect, I realized that I should do some things to incrementally improve myself. I don’t exactly plan to be able to do all of these things at once, but I hope that I can get one or two of them done at the end of the year.

Well, I sincerely hope that I will be able to walk the talk!

1. Be more patient: Apparently, there are times that I just go the YOLO way. It works wonderfully at times, but when it fails, it is more than enough to floor me down. Then of course, when I’m impatient, I don’t think things through…and well, as I mentioned, some of the results were pretty catastrophic!

I don’t know if I would ever be a patient person (people tell me that I’m patient, but not really…)

2. Be more calm and collected: I know that hype and activity are the things that define me, but it is sometimes a liability whenever I need to focus solely on one thing under normal circumstances. Being a scatterbrain and all, I really think that I should be calm…in fact, one of my friends (who is also a teammate at the same time), told me that I could easily lead the team through hell if I were calm enough…so that I can size up the situation and make the right calls.

3. Read more: If I will be able to read 50 books within a year’s time, I’ll reward myself with a small gift. If I will be able to read 100 books, then well, I should go somewhere? Hahaha. Let us see. I have seemed to write too much last year and read a lot less…Sure, it is still decent, but I must do things differently this year.

And yes, I am still looking for a writing club. Sad life, isn’t it?

4. Complete that portfolio before April: As far as I am concerned, I still need to get some 15 pages of good fiction up; that’s basically one of the few ways that I will be able to land a Master’s Degree in Creative Writing somewhere! I need to do something…and I know that it is all up to me! Sure, there are lots of paperwork both in and out of the school (well, as if school is still in the front seat, when in fact it is not), but still I believe that I should be able to get inspired for a few days and complete some fiction!

Honorable mention: Self-pride: This is not exactly a problem, mainly because I do my utmost best to be humble and to accomodate to other people’s needs/compromise some of my demands. But once that monster comes in, well, I basically become a different person who never knows how to back down! I know that I have some use for this trait elsewhere, so I must know how to channel it into the right direction!

I know that this will be the final semester of my college life. I know that I can easily land a job somewhere, but I reasonably believe that I still need to do my best in order to improve myself, in and out!

Well…good luck!

All In The Space Of One Day

Within one day, I got a lot of things and I have learned a lot of points about the stuff that I want to do. To be honest, I could not process all the things that I have just heard and seen over the past two hours. It is just unbelievable that there is a big dream, a big stretch of land ahead of me…and at the same time, that we need to refocus our efforts on getting to that place.

I think that it is more of a challenge, if anything else: I believe that this is a breaking point for the things that I currently do right now. Things will be more different than before and I am pretty sure that tomorrow’s going to be a new beginning. I know that I am ready to face it, but at the same time, I am really curious what lies ahead for me.

Then there’s this matter about my grades and I am really happy that I have finally got rid of that “second foreign language” requirement; I think I can finally do something…And I did not expect to get a very good grade from School Experience; after all, I was not able to finish my tasks and well, I basically could not do all my paperwork in time!

All I just want to do is to lie down, sit back, rest and wait for a while before I buy a ticket to another city. I think I’ll have a good time in Istanbul with my friends pretty much soon enough…

For now, I guess I’ll just sign off with this song:

Well, nice sound and deep thoughts!

Until next time…

We First Speak

For the past seventeen years or so of my life, I’ve had to contend with having to explain to other people for things that I did not do or for things that they wrongly attribute to me. sometimes, I just get tired of doing so and I just want to drop a sledgehammer on them; however, I don’t want to confront people, simply because I don’t like railing against people in public.

I really wonder why I have to deal with this kind of thing quite periodically and other people don’t have to pay the same painful price (Yes, I know that I must not say this, but I can’t think of any other way to put it either). I can’t contend with the fact that despite no matter how much I try to express myself, there are still people who misunderstand, people who can’t be in the same page, or even people who don’t want to be in the same board.

It is hard to be misunderstood. Being already in what could be called as a “lonely job” as well as having introverted tendencies don’t help me a lot either. Sometimes, it is frustrating that some people can’t just understand.

I guess I’ll just have to deal with this aspect of my life as it is and hope that I’ll not have to give such an account elsewhere beyond this world. I know that people sometimes view me as an “iceberg” or an “enigma” and I am very much well aware that there are quite a lot of times in which I could not get on that same board myself, mainly because my ideas are extremely divergent from those of the majority or simply because I am unwilling to compromise whatever position I adopt (and no matter how stupid it may be).

Well, I guess that’s the price of being self-reliant and independent. I can’t do nothing but sigh at the fact that it happens.

As a lot of people would say, “Shit happens. Just deal with it.

DSC_1071

Free Writing and Some Other Thoughts

I am about to finish my bloody project and I am about to rest. I don’t know else what should I do as I sit here at home and do all sorts of shenanigans. I will watch a documentary before I sleep and I plan to finish everything else tomorrow. Life is a little bit crazy, with some frustrations, some misadventures and a lot of happy moments.

I feel weird; at times, I feel so euphoric that I thought that I am flying up there in the clouds. There are also times when I just want to get into a corner and cry for reasons that I can’t even tell, for things that I can’t reach, for aspirations that are delayed. Even though I am immune to failure, the fact that I stumble down just makes me feel as if sometimes the impossible may never be reached.

Sometimes, it is easy to be apathetic to the things that are around me, to the people around me; sometimes, I just want to be alone and drown myself in techno music, eating all sorts of junk food. Sometimes, I just want to experience life as it is, and I feel that I am a superhero who can do everything in this world.

There are days when I just want to endlessly bang on the keyboard and write something and write everything and write whatever I want to write. There are times that I feel that my hidden creative side just flows out like a river. And there are times when I do not want to write anything, even as I see the clouds, I see the sky, I see the colors of life and whatnot.

When I get into a server, most of the time, I own a lot. Even if I do not own, I feel like I have done something for myself or for the team. And yet there are moments when even though I got a very high score, I don’t feel it. Worse, if I lose, then I just go very, very frustrated, as if I have been denied a moment to live.

At times, I am at one with everyone. At times, I am a nobody-literally a piece of trash. And then to add to that, there are times that I feel like I just want to lurk in the dark, to stop thinking, to stop feeling, to be oblivious to the pain and the things that are happening. Yet, there are days that I just see life as a mode in which everything is nice and easy and good and whatnot.

Well, at the end of the day, it is all about me and my damn sanity and whatever else is in my freaking values system. I just hope that I’ll find what I want in life…and if nothing else, to get the best for me in this life.

Life will always be filled with its own version of the roller coaster. I mean, I never expected myself to be here in Turkey, let alone becoming an editor at a prestigious national newspaper, doing what I love to do…Well, life always carries a bunch of surprises, so well, there are only a few things left…I hope that I just get surprised!

I am absolutely surprised at the fact that there are a lot of things that I must still know, I mean it is amazing that there are still people to know, things to do, places to discover…

Well, whatever happens, I guess I have nothing to do with that. All I can do is to do my job in the best way that I can, have my game, have my rules, have my life, have my music and well, leave the rest to the Almighty.

Whatever.

What the heck anyway.

Since I am Bored…

When the night falls down
I wait for you
And you come around
And the world’s alive
With the sound of kids
On the street outside

When you walk into the room
You pull me close and we start to move
And we’re spinning with the stars above
And you lift me up in a wave of love…

Ooh, baby, do you know what that’s worth?
Ooh heaven is a place on earth
They say in heaven love comes first
We’ll make heaven a place on earth
Ooh heaven is a place on earth

When I feel alone
I reach for you
And you bring me home
When I’m lost at sea
I hear your voice
And it carries me

In this world we’re just beginning
To understand the miracle of living
Baby I was afraid before
But I’m not afraid anymore

Ooh, baby, do you know what that’s worth?
Ooh heaven is a place on earth
They say in heaven love comes first
We’ll make heaven a place on earth
Ooh heaven is a place on earth

Well, so I guess this should be it! LOL.

Some Thoughts and Worries About Games

As I prepare for another coverage of a large gaming event, I stopped for a while to think about what kind of future am I about to live in. Don’t get me wrong, I really love playing games and I really love the gaming culture (it has been a major part of my life since I was pretty much young), but there are some things that I am really concerned about.

I have a nephew who knows all about the games that I have played and at the same time is pretty much skilled with them…Thankfully, he understands the importance of having a stable life (without gadgets) and a stable career (in the “real world”) and thus, he never throws away his studies.

I want to live in a future where games are respected as a form of entertainment and not as a form of pariah. I want to be there and be able to say that “hey, we supported these before Forbes and the big guns picked up on it!” I want to see that people are living a more balanced life both on and off the computer screen.

But I don’t want people to lose themselves…I don’t want to see people just going on playing endlessly without trying to do something for themselves. I mean, hey, there is a thing called “responsible gaming”, no? Where you are supposed to control your playing time and get a life of your own, out of the confines of the game?

These are just some random thoughts that are in my head.

Well.

Now going back to my events coverage…

Swallowing Facts

It’s so cold outside that I just don’t want to go out.

But on the other hand, I want to do something and have fun. Yeah, sure my examinations are finished and I really got a very, very good feeling out of it. To be honest, I have never experienced that emotion for a very long time: To feel satisfied after an exam, well, that is one of the best things that I can have. Even though I nominally have only fifteen Turkish liras in my pocket, I still feel that I can do a lot with it!

I think that I’ll go to sleep early or go on a video-watching spree again; maybe read a book or two and wake up later tomorrow. Afterwards, I’ll just go to school, log on to the ultra-fast internet and watch out for news; after all, there are a freaking lot of events that are happening!

I never realized that I am still improving my writing. Whatever changes that are happening are so subtle that even I am surprised at the pace of events. Well, it’s just like that and right now I don’t have the words to express my feelings.

I’m still trying to swallow the fact that I don’t have exams anymore!